


i think you broke my heart again.

by outkaast



Series: luffy is hurting and that shall be recognized [1]
Category: One Piece
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Baby Monkey D. Luffy, Character Study, Dead Monkey D. Luffy, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hugs, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Injury Recovery, Introspection, Monkey D. Luffy Needs a Hug, Monkey D. Luffy-centric, Pain, Sad Monkey D. Luffy, Self-Destruction, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, Torture, and he doesn't get them in some chapters, ghost!Ace, my writing actually improves every chapter, tiny amount of fluff guys
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:00:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 19
Words: 14,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28364313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/outkaast/pseuds/outkaast
Summary: i think you broke my heart again.please don't leave and take my hand.- teqkoismall one-shots (mainly pain and/or comfort.)requests closed currently :)
Relationships: Monkey D. Luffy & Mugiwara Kaizoku | Strawhat Pirates, Monkey D. Luffy & Portgas D. Ace, Monkey D. Luffy & Portgas D. Ace & Sabo, Monkey D. Luffy & Roronoa Zoro, Monkey D. Luffy & Sabo
Series: luffy is hurting and that shall be recognized [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2112039
Comments: 115
Kudos: 149





	1. if you loved me, why'd you leave me?

**Author's Note:**

> just one-shots :)
> 
> surrounding post marineford, luffy's childhood, just a lot of luffy comfort cause that man is a stone wall when it comes to opening up

it was so cold. 

he was bundled up in blankets as if he were a human version of boiling water. 

for some reason, the blankets didn't do anything. 

everything was cold. so cold. 

ace shifted in his sleep to his right. luffy heard a bird chirp quietly outside. 

the spot missing in their mass of blankets disheartened luffy. there was supposed to be someone there, projecting body heat so luffy wouldn't be cold. 

he was gone, though. and he wasn't coming back. 

he couldn't go to ace for comfort, for ace doesn't like it when luffy cries.

he hates crybabies.

men do not cry.

men do not cry. 

men do not cry.

he cried.

luffy cried for what felt like hours. he was just mourning a brother, a friend. an anchor. a little someone that kept him on his feet. 

they weren't here anymore.

he had ace.

well, not at the moment. he could not go to ace when he cries. 

it would only just make ace angry.

he pulled his fair share of blankets to the corner of the room and cried silently, trying his hardest to definitely not wake up ace.

his child-like, frail shoulders shook with effort to keep quiet. he slapped a hand over his mouth, his eyes bleary and shining, lips trembling dangerously. 

he heard ace shift in his sleep, but froze as he heard ace give a confused, tired groan.

"what the hell is all the noise?" he heard him mumble.

ace patted the space next to him, realizing luffy wasn't there.

even if it was extremely dark, luffy could make out ace's worried confused expression. 

"lu?" he heard him whisper.

"that idiot. where'd he go?" he whispered to himself softly. 

luffy turned his head to face the wall to his right, since ace was to his left. if ace did turn this way, ace wouldn't be able to see the flash of light that might reflect from his eyes. 

luffy froze, still as a statue as he could see in his peripheral vision ace twisting his neck to look around the room.

he noticed ace's stare homing in on him in the corner, "luffy? is that you?"

luffy finally relented and shuffled a bit in place to signal he was here. 

"go back to sleep." he told him

he didn't need to see ace's confused features to know they were there.

"why..are you over there?"

luffy blinked. he needed to think up a lie on the spot.

"because i wanted to."

ace seemed unimpressed with his lie, "liar. you'd never just decide to pass up the chance to cuddle with me."

luffy almost pointed out how cocky that statement was, but decided it was best not to. 

luffy opened his mouth to fire something back, but only heard a choked, pitiful, sorrowful whine come from his throat. 

ace blinked, obviously not expecting that. 

luffy braced for the "stop crying. i hate when you cry. it makes you weak. you're not a man." but it never came. 

there was shuffling, and he heard the sound of a lighter. a light fill the room, coming from where ace sat. if luffy had to guess, he was pretty sure ace lit a candle. 

ace, the candle in his hands, walked towards luffy, who was bundled in blankets, teary-eyed in the corner of the room. 

ace couldn't help but feel that he looked like a baby. he looked so hurt and so..just..sad. 

ace kneeled in front of him, wrapping an arm around luffy's small shoulders. he made luffy wrap his legs around his stomach and his arms around his neck. ace stood back up, carrying luffy, and brought him back to their mass of pillows and sat down. 

he blew the candle out, and started to rub luffy's back softly. 

luffy began to tremble.

ace's voice soothed him, "it's okay." he whispered, voice uncharacteristically soft. "you can cry."

luffy felt tears roll down his cheeks. luffy hissed, his hands gripping ace's bare shoulders. 

ace placed his chin on the top of luffy's head.

"poor thing." he heard him mumble. "i didn't mean to make you want to bottle your feelings up." 

luffy cried quietly as ace stroked his hair with a new gentleness from him. 

the younger was relieved that he could finally get the hug he had been wanting for days, weeks. 

ace felt terrible that luffy felt he couldn't go to ace for comfort, and that made ace's big brother senses go off the rails.

"you can come to me whenever you're sad, luffy." ace whispered against his hair.

luffy's hands clenched the front of ace's shirt, "really?" he sounded so young, innocent, and fragile.

"of course." he supplied.

luffy smiled against his shirt. 

he had ace.

(not for long.)


	2. i will hold your hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> another vent :)
> 
> zoro done with luffy's bullshit

zoro never slept at night.

well, he did sleep, just not at night. he had plenty of naps during the day to make up for it.

(all he did was eat, sleep, cut, so.)

he listened to the default sounds of his crew, the ship, the world. as he lied awake, he listened to his captain's and franky's snores, the shit cook's gentle breathing, usopp's mumbles under his breath. brook's sighs, chopper's unknowing yawns. the soft splashes of the waves below bellowing against the sunny. 

he felt at home, when he heard those sounds. 

but when one of those sounds disappeared and were replaced with soft footsteps, and the barely muffled sound of a whimper, zoro didn't like that.

he listened, he didn't look, just listened for what noise was missing. 

luffy? check.  
ussop? check.  
cook? check.  
chopper? check.  
franky-no. those were..wait.

there was only one voice in the chorus of snores, and that was-

franky.

where the hell is zoro's captain?

zoro saw the door to the men's quarters shut just as he lifted his head to look at it.  
zoro noticed the cook was awake, too, staring at the door as well.

it seems as he also noticed of luffy's disappearance. 

he could see it in the cook's eyes, the undisguised worry, concern. zoro had an inkling of thought that zoro's own eyes had that same reflection.

zoro got out of his hammock and treaded silently in luffy's footsteps, beating the cook to the door. 

the cook opened his mouth to tell zoro to go to bed, but zoro shook his head. 

i've got this one, his shake said.

the cook sighed, almost frustrated, but waved zoro away, nodding. the cook's walk back to his hammock was hesitant and slow, but he finally gave up and made quick work walking back.

zoro stepped out of the men's cabins and out onto the deck. he immediately knew where luffy would be seated, and made his way to the sunny's figurehead. 

luffy flinched from his spot when he heard zoro approach him. zoro stood, his arms crossed over his chest and waited for his captain to face him.

"go back to sleep, zoro." luffy's voice was wreaked and tired, sounding like his vocal cords had been torn in two. 

zoro stayed silent, because he knew being quiet would give off the message, i'm not going to leave you here.

he knew luffy would be frustrated with his efforts, and he wanted to be left alone to his thoughts in peace.

but, no matter how much luffy avoided zoro, or screamed and cried for him to just fucking leave, zoro wouldn't step one more foot away from him.

luffy growled, which morphed into a sigh of frustration. luffy knew zoro knew if he pushed him over the edge enough luffy'd break. luffy could already feel the tears pricking his eyes, and luffy somehow felt obliged to be able to cry because he was in the presence of someone he trusted. luffy didn't exactly trust himself, and luffy wasn't going to cry, not only in front of himself at least. luffy trusted zoro, but he fought back to keep himself from crying.

zoro spoke so quietly luffy almost missed it, "you can cry." zoro could see luffy's hands shaking, and his shoulders trembling. 

luffy sucked in a breath, one lone tear making it down his face, "i-"

zoro walked towards luffy, stepping on the figurehead and wrapped his arms around luffy's bony shoulders. he pulled luffy into his arms, and sat him in his lap. he kept his face in his chest, and the tufts of his hair tickling his chin. 

he finally heard the soft, heartbreaking, tired cry make its way from deep inside luffy.

zoro has heard luffy say many rash things before, but nothing has topped this.

luffy cursed akainu, he cursed blackbeard, but he also cursed himself.

zoro didn't know the details of marineford, but he could take context clues and get the idea.

he heard luffy sob under his breath, "why didn't i move? if i moved, i could've saved us both! why didn't i just take the hit instead?"

zoro's heart promptly broke in two.

zoro didn't speak, he didn't give any condolences, and comfort. no empty words of pity could fix the death of ace, it was fruitless to provide any. just zoro's strong, steady hold was enough to hold luffy upright, keep him on his feet. 

luffy's light may be gone, his sworn brother, his life, the person luffy loved in this whole world the most, may be gone. 

(may be = is.)

ouch.

but luffy had his crew, and they were there to pick up the pieces if luffy ever crumbled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoy :)
> 
> kudos and comments appreciated


	3. i cannot feel my own pulse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> people mourn.
> 
> or: (luffy never mourned, and one night, he does.)

luffy tilted his head back, lying against on of the flames coming from the sunny's figurehead. he thought. and he thought and he thought and he thought and he thought until he had nothing else to think about.

he thought about ace's death.

when luffy had pushed himself beyond his limits to save the person he loved most only to lose them anyways. simply because of who their father was.

luffy hates those types of people. those horrible, horrible types of people who looked at someone with a relative who fucked up and said "you're just like them. you have their blood in your veins."

because with your bloodline comes hatred, and hatred comes with pain. pain can come with death. 

and when ace had died in luffy's arms, spouting out he was thankful for his brothers, thankful that luffy even existed in his world, there was hatred. 

hatred on its own got luffy's dear brother killed. the brother he adored and walked in the footsteps of.

luffy swirled the glass bottle of alcohol he had in his hands, watching the liquid create a twister. 

when he woke up from ace's death, luffy had a hard time accepting it, sure. but the hardest part was realizing he was alone.

he had no brothers left.

sabo? gone. ace? gone.

they had left. ace had left, just like sabo did. 

a tear rolled down luffy's cheek. 

people deny. people cry. people mourn. people grieve. people miss. and they accept. 

luffy accepted it, a long time ago. 

he never mourned him though. luffy had one long, wrenching cry for a bit but bottled up. 

luffy decided to mourn.

luffy felt a burning sensation, a pressure build behind his eyes. a lump formed in his throat.

he opened his mouth, leaning his head back, and screamed. he screamed until his throat went raw and his voice was tired and worn and choked with emotion. 

luffy was unaware as ace's ghost mournfully wrapped his arms around his brother. the ghost sniffled, tightening his arms as luffy screamed the name belonging to someone who no longer lived, someone whose heart no longer beat. 

..

when the strawhats woke up and gathered for breakfast, zoro made eye contact with each one excluding luffy. 

they were not to speak of the sobs and raw screams they heard last night.

and if usopp or chopper or nami or even franky shed tears for their grieving captain, no one knew.

(later, as zoro napped on the ship near the figurehead, he didn't complain as luffy created a wet spot on his shoulder from where he was slotted in at his side.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pain
> 
> i made myself cry writing this and that never happens
> 
> (forgive any mistakes)


	4. runaway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "oh, take me home.   
> take me home where i belong.
> 
> i got no other place to go.
> 
> oh, take me home.  
> take me home where i belong  
> i can't take it anymore."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some sabo self-hatred with no comfort because pain

sabo grieved. of course he did.

but he knew luffy was truly the one suffering here.

maybe sabo was the one who lost his memories of his brothers, the people he loves most. sabo wasn't there for luffy nor ace for ten whole years.

and he lost ace. by the time he wanted ace back it was too late.

sabo grieved.

but luffy was truly the one in pain, because luffy was there. he was in the war, and he watched ace die. 

sabo doubted it ended there, and he knew luffy was probably very close in proximity to ace when he died.

ouch.

sabo wasn't there to hold his brother as he cried on the worst day of his life, and now...

luffy thinks he's alone, and that he has no brothers left.

maybe that's true. maybe he doesn't have any brothers left. because sabo might as well be a shadow of a person he once was.

sabo is a monster. 

he let his brother die, and he didn't even try like luffy did. he didn't even attempt to stop it. 

luffy tried so hard, to save ace. 

only to lose him.

what kind of brother is sabo?

he didn't even try.

didn't even goddamn try to save him.

luffy gave it his all. even past his all, past his limits, farther than his body could probably take. the beatings he most likely got from his fight in impel down, straight to a warzone? 

and what did sabo do?

nothing.

absolutely nothing.


	5. autophobia.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> autophobia.
> 
> (n.) the fear of being alone, or lonely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pulled this out of the depressing part of my brain at 3:30 in the morning. i have school thursday. i hate it here.

...

"being hurt is much better than being alone!"

...

it's true.

because when everyone in your life leaves you, or leaves and returns and leave and returns, you attach to anyone who will care.

luffy knows.

he knows with shanks, makino, gramps.

they all leave and return.

[leave for a long time, but not forever, in shanks' case.

he'll come back.

luffy just has to go to him, this time.]

ace didn't leave, though. (sabo did.)

not voluntarily, of course. sabo had his reasons.

ace left to set sail, but that was agreed upon since the beginning.

of course, then luffy met zoro.

steady, strong, caring zoro. he kept luffy on his feet. (and when he fell, he picked him back up.)

most of the time, anyways. 

there was zoro, and nami, sanji, usopp, chopper, then came robin, franky, and brook. 

they all provided him with the love and affection luffy gave them.

since they all seemed to think luffy was too good for them, the bastards.

if anything, luffy doesn't deserve them. 

not at all. 

in the end, ace left. luffy was alone.

there was no light shining upon him.

besides, what's the point in blood with no veins, or a gun without a bullet? 

luffy needs ace. he needs him to function, to work. 

what is a machine that cannot work, and do its purpose? 

luffy's brother was a guide. what do you do when you have lost your way?

ace wasn't supposed to be dead. ace was supposed to be alive, healthy, and free. 

free to do whatever he desired. 

but no. he died.

because of luffy. he died saving luffy. 

what type of monster is luffy for letting such a thing happen, anyways?

...

luffy startled, glancing behind him, trying to cease the tremble in his hands.

a warm, strong hand was placed on his bare back. the thumb slightly rubbed back in forth in a comforting motion.

he came face to face with his swordsman, the calm, collected black eyes with a sparkle of concern staring back at him.

"you were shaking." he murmurs. 

"i'm sorry." luffy mumbled. 

zoro shakes his head, "don't apologize, dumbass." he reached his other hand up and ruffled luffy's jet-black hair affectionately. 

"bad thoughts?" he wonders.

luffy hummed quietly in conformation. 

zoro stared at him, searching his eyes. "you're okay." the swordsman whispers. "hey, hey, shh, don't cry." cupping his cheek, he wipes a stray tear.

"there's no need for tears." 

"he's okay, luffy." luffy nods, sniffling.

"live for him, will you?" 

and he does, with a little help along the way. 

...

"i want to live a life without regrets!"


	6. go away. (please don't leave me.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hello, i am back with more pain but it's soft this time
> 
> uh, asl hurt/comfort, i have absolutely no idea what timeline but post marineford and ace and luffy randomly met up with sabo because i said so.
> 
> .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> raw writing, no proofread
> 
> LET THIS BOY NAMED LUFFY CRY. HE IS IN PAIN AND THAT NEEDS TO BE RECOGNIZED

luffy stared at him with wide, sad eyes and sabo felt his heart crack.

"you... _forgot_ about me?" he whispered, tears hanging to his eyelashes like icicles. the fact sabo had forgotten him, well.

it _hurt_. 

a lot. 

"it was amnesia from the explosion, lu, i had no choice in the matter. i either lost my memories or died that day." he explained gently. 

sabo tried to take a step towards the kid, but he staggered backwards. 

"you forgot  _ m _ _e_." he croaked. ace looked at the youngest, completely torn. 

"oh, luffy.." he placed a hand on his shoulder. sabo stepped forward again, stepping in line with ace. 

"i never ever wanted to forgot you, luffy, i had no choice. it wasn't a decision i could make myself." sabo wanted nothing more than to pull luffy into his arms and never let go.

luffy looked like he was about to burst into tears. "he _forgot_ me." he mumbled robotically, "he  _forgot me_." his voice became a little more hysterical. 

luffy felt his knees go weak, his legs tremble. he collapsed, but the other two caught him before he ever hit the ground.

"shh, shh. hey,  _hey_ ,  oh, don't cry." ace whispered. he pulled luffy half into his arms, half into sabo's. he carded a hand through his unruly, raven-colored locks. he felt a wet patch on his shoulder. 

sabo nestled his head into the crook of luffy's shoulder, hand rubbing comforting circles on his shaking back. 

"we've got you." sabo whispered. "you're okay. you're okay." 

luffy  wailed,  lightly punching sabo's chestin frustration, but sabo paid it no attention. ace pressed a kiss to his hair. 

"don't leave me." he sobs. 

and they don't. 

(they would never.

in some worlds, at least.)


	7. armor.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sabo gets captured at the reverie. luffy is not happy. 
> 
> song lyrics/title: armor - landon austin
> 
> (this was extremely inspired by 'synthesis' by @/kawaiibooker pls go read that story is beautifully written and it's 10000x better than this)

...

_ i'll be your escape _

_ i'll be your safe place _

...

when luffy saw the newspaper, he clenched it into his fist, and promptly fell to his knees. he felt tears prick his eyes, his teeth harshly biting his bottom lip. he was getting a terrible sense of déjà vu.

_ no. 2 of the revolutionary army - sabo - successfully captured! _

_ currently being transported to government underwater prison, impel down.  _

"fuck!" luffy screamed. he punched the floor repeatedly, punches become sloppy due to emotion, but he stopped as hands wrapped around his wrists.

he whipped his head around, bursting into fresh tears as he saw zoro's concerned face. he shoved his face in zoro's chest, blubbering with tears. zoro stroked his hair comfortingly. 

"we'll get him back, i promise. we won't leave him there."

luffy scrunched his face, " _no_ ,  zoro. i- i can't allow any of my crew to go to that hellhole. no, _i-_ _no._ " 

the other remnants of the crew piled into the room, all faces stony and determined. 

robin placed a hand on luffy's shoulder. "we'll get him back. law has a plan to intercept the ship before it even gets to impel down."

"but, you guys  can't- " 

"luffy." sanji interrupted. "we know you want to save sabo. we will save him. we won't even  have  to go into impel down. we won't let you do this alone this time."

luffy's shoulders slumped in relief. " _bastards_ ," he whispered.

usopp clapped him on the back with a sad grin. "we'll be with you this time."

jinbei met sanji's eyes with a proud smile.

...

law was right.

they ran straight into the marine ship holding sabo, and luffy wanted to jump right in, but he was held back. 

brook and sanji told him if he went in, he'd be an even bigger target than sabo himself. 

so when law, zoro, sanji, and jinbei jumped on that marine ship and kicked the asses of everyone on board, luffy wasn't complaining. there wasn't even an admiral on board, since the marines were so confident they thought a vice admiral would do the job.

(it didn't work.)

luffy had to be physically restrained by chopper, nami, and usopp, but it was fine. 

when zoro came out with a disheveled, tired, beat up sabo, they stepped on law's submarine and luffy slingshotted into his arms. 

"you  _jerk_!"  he snarled into sabo's shirt. " _screw you_!" 

he burst into tears. 

he heard sabo give a breathy chuckle, "awe. _shh_ , it's okay. i'm fine."

sabo pulled luffy into his arms, pulling the two of them inside the sub. he sat down in one of the chairs on the inside, tugging luffy into his lap. 

luffy just quietly sobbed a river into sabo's shirt, while sabo carded his fingers through his hair. law's crew, and luffy's own crew knew not to bother them, so they left them alone in the room. 

sabo sighed, "it was dangerous for you to come all the way out here. you could've gotten captured!"

"i wasn't letting another one of my brothers get taken!" sabo shut up. "not again." he whispered. 

"i'm here, you're safe. i'm alive." 

luffy laced his fingers with sabo, a serene smile plastered across his face. 

...

_ take my defenses _

_ all my defenses _

_ i lay down this armor, _

_ i lay down this armor for you _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3 i was in a softer mood so this isn't as sad but next chapter will def be pain


	8. buzzcut season

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> because even as luffy feels his heart break, his brothers are there to fix it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is longer than i planned, and i wanted it to be terribly sad, but i wasn't feeling too hot and needed some comfort
> 
> not proofread, but pls enjoy :]

...

_i live in a hologram with you_.

...

staring at the two figures in front of him, all luffy truly wanted to do was  _run_. 

actually that was a lie.

what luffy told himself was that he wanted to run, but maybe, deep down inside him he really wanted to hug those two and never let go. hidden deep beneath his ruined, scarred skin. scars that may have been actions, words, or long since healed wounds. if he reached deep inside himself and wrenched a longing for the embrace of the two in front of him. 

the copycats of ace and sabo stared at him sadly. sabo with a tentative, small melancholy smile, eyes sad beneath the rim of a top hat. blond curls peeking out, hands shoved in the pockets of a royal blue tailcoat. he looked eerily similar to his younger self's clothes. 

ace, oh  _god_ ,  _ace_. the ace who _died_ , in the war, the ace who is  _gone_.  luffy eyes narrow at the circular, dark scar on ace's chest, reminding him that ace will never come back, but here he was- _no_. this _ace_ , scratch that, this  _stranger_ ,  is not ace. ace is gone. only the childish, immature hope of luffy's mind will tell himself that this is ace, that ace is still here.

this clone in front of him was slumped, downcast eyes staring him down. not in a mean way, or demeaning manner, but it was grounding. 

luffy remembers the nostalgic time when he was little, where ace looked at him when he used to think he was above him. above him in all manners- strength, power. ace eventually never looked at him like that, and would look at luffy like something to _cherish_. that always baffled luffy- what was he cherishing? luffy wasn't stupid, he knew he was bothersome.

he knew from law's eyerolls, the groans of frustration whenever luffy screwed the plan over. in nami's snarls whenever he spent money on meat without her permission. in chopper's disappointed eyes whenever he failed to tell him of a small wound that was bothering him. 

he never understood why sabo and ace looked at him like something they wanted near, or around. something to _protect_. 

ace was in his regular attire, but he looked way too close to the way he was at marineford. ace watched silently as luffy looked him up and down hesitantly, and his eyes softened when luffy winced at the familiarity. luffy faintly registered the orange hat loosely strung around his neck. 

luffy shuffled in place nervously, not knowing what to do. the other two seemed to want go towards him, but they seemed scared that if they did, luffy would back away. probably because luffy looked fucking terrified. 

maybe it's because he's looking at ghosts. 

sabo has a gloved hand slightly outstretched, face anguished. the blonde swallows anxiously, and he opens his mouth to say something, but luffy's eyes sharpen dangerously. he doesn't know what'd he do if this  _ clone  _ talks and it'll sound like a grown up sabo. 

luffy is frozen, feet planted and he's sure he's going to spontaneously combust if one of his  dead  brothers take another step. 

he sucks up enough bravery to speak. "i'm guessing this is the world's way of saying 'screw you.'" 

he manages to croak it out, and luffy can't find enough energy to feel embarrassed at how close to tears he sounds. 

mentally swatting away his emotions, he continues. "you guys really _suck_ , you know that? i really,  _really_ ,  _hate_ you both."

he can see ace and sabo walking slowly towards him, and the closer they get, the faster, more hysterical luffy's words become.

"you know, you both  left . i had no one for a while, and i guess that's how it's _always_ been-" luffy wants to eat those words, because it's been the quite the contrary. he remembers ace and sabo's comfort when he was little, zoro's presence, usopp's grins, chopper's little dances, nami's fond punches, sanji's food, franky's inventions, robin's stories, brook's songs. he could go on forever, ranting about his friends, but luffy can feel himself slip into the mindset of his depressed, seventeen year old self. 

"ace," he whispered, "you- you  _jerk_."  he doesn't mean that. "you liar, you  _asshole_ ,  you broke your promise, you know that-"

luffy feels his cheeks go damp, and he ignores the wet sensation cascading down his cheeks. he hears a sob, and a hand reaches for his wrist, and he stumbles backwards in his haste to get away. 

(he doesn't wanna go away. he wants ace to hold him, sabo to hold him, but they don't know that.

but he thinks they can tell.)

luffy stops addressing them in his head as clones, because they are real.

and the fire inside luffy  _burns_. 

"and you, sabo,  you- you're  dead.  you both are, why are you here? to hurt me again? what more does this world  _ want? _ " his voice gets louder the longer he speaks.

" _it's already taken everything i have_." 

that's not true, the rational part of luffy comforts, you have your crew, it whispers. it falls on deaf ears.

but that's okay. luffy needs this.

he's bottled this up for a while now. 

tears swim in his eyes, dropping from his eyes rapidly, color draining from luffy's face. his hands are trembling, kneeled pathetically before his brothers. his head is bowed, nose sniffling repeatedly. luffy is completely out of it, his tears overtaking his thoughts. he does register warm, familiar arms encasing him, and  _oh_ ,  the last time he felt this was when blood dripped down his fingertips. 

that thought alone sent luffy into another round of sobs, clinging helplessly to the body of his should-be-dead older brother. fingers stroke his hair, gently scratching his scalp, sweet nothings whispered comfortingly in his ear. luffy's face is pressed against the crook of ace's neck, tears rolling down ace's tattoo. 

luffy doesn't remember sabo joining them, but he feels the warmth of a body against his back. arms protectively wrapped around luffy's rubbery body, chin placed softly on his head. he feels sabo kiss his hair, running his fingers through it. luffy knows the other two are crying from the tears sitting in his hair, the ragged, uneven breathing from ace and sabo. 

luffy refused the move himself from this unbearably comfortable position, and ace didn't have the heart to make him move. sabo's head is slumped against luffy's temple, breathing softly against him. ace is rubbing soft circles against luffy's back, grinning slightly as luffy relaxes immediately from his touch.

luffy made a very good decision.

it was a good idea to listen to deep inside him, because it gave him two brothers.


	9. silence your tears, silence my screams. (for they cannot be heard.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> luffy was unsure which pain was worse - the shock of what happened, or for the ache of what never will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ouchers. 
> 
> enjoy.
> 
> i cried writing this

_grief_ was a terrible thing.

...

luffy lives.

he lives with a rubberband around his chest, yes, but he lives. 

a rubberband tightly wound around his scarred, ruined skin, digging into him. metaphorical, of course, but he swore it was there. maybe add the god forsaken collar from udon, giving off the same vibe as if he was a  slave  of the celestials. oh, and add some stupid sea stone cuffs, a physical representation of his lack of strength. 

the rubberband tightened at night, after a terrible nightmare. maybe it tugged the tears out of his eyes, his nose sniffle.

maybe it was trying to silence him from his friends.

not that luffy would really care if they saw him in tears. luffy wouldn't care. 

he found it funny in a humorless way that luffy had only ever broke down in tears when his family was never there. 

sabaody. amazon lily. 

you could count water seven, but..

luffy has never felt a mind-numbing anguish and _agony_ like amazon lily and sabaody. 

you could count marineford, too.

luffy didn't remember it well. 

he has blocked it out of his mind.

they are memories he'd rather not remember. 

he does not want to remember his brother's horrific, self-sacrificing death. 

he does not want to remember the time he had woken up on torao's submarine, practically insane, and his impulsive destruction of a forest. 

the rubberband tightened. the collar strained against his neck. the cuffs clanked together. 

his eyes have been drained.

but he smiled. 

he smiled.

_ hesmiledhesmiledhesmiledhesmiled _

because what more can you do, when you do not want people to worry. 

luffy was unsure which pain was worse - the shock of what happened, or for the ache of what never will.

_sometimes_.

sometimes, when we lose someone,

we must not learn to live without them, but with the love they left behind. 

ace left behind luffy's _life_.

that was the gift he rewarded luffy with when he died.

he gave luffy a second chance.

because luffy would be six feet under, unless ace had not jumped between.

luffy had always wondered why ace didn't turn into fire.

then he realizes the punch would've hit _him_.

he thinks of how ace's tattoo was his pride and joy, and how it represented his family-- the whitebeards.

he thinks of how he let his back get battered apart  with magma in exchange for luffy's life. 

the whitebeards could mean so much to ace, but ace would still get rid of them for luffy.

the rubberband  _squeezed_.

what cannot be said will be shown through tears.

what happens when you cannot cry?

scream?

...

" _so you make me suffer._ "

...

luffy thinks of the void in his heart.

he remembers of how he can fill it.

he realizes he can't. 

the rubberband might as well be wrapped around his mouth, because he cannot scream. 

he cannot scream.

he cannot scream.

cannot? or won't. 

both, luffy supposes.

...

_ saudade. (n.) _

_ a deep, nostalgic, and melancholic longing for something or someone, often accompanied with a denied fact that what one longs for will never come back. _

...

grief was a terrible thing.

it tore things apart. 

it tore luffy apart. 

grief was a terrible thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, ouch.
> 
> well.
> 
> you all had it coming, i said i was gonna do it
> 
> if it makes you feel any better, i've got a big self indulgent cute asl one shot coming, and a short, sweet chapter to this coming tomorrow. :)


	10. kisses. ♥︎

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> no proofread because i'm a bitch
> 
> uh it's also an ace lives au because 483 didn't happen guys !! i am reliable source !!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter will prolly be the weekend :)

kisses were foreign to him until he set out to sea.

the only people who ever gave him kisses, were sabo, makino, and ace.

makino would deliver happy little kisses to the scalp, or to the forehead, but that was it. 

all he got from the bandits were harsh slaps to the back, short ruffles of his hair, or dadan smacking him on the head. that included ace and sabo, who injured him severely daily during spars. 

although, whenever luffy woke from a nightmare, he'd try to sit in silence. it never worked, since he'd start crying and wake one of his brothers up. 

sabo would pull him into his arms and mumble sweet things to him, and would press a deliberate kiss to his hair. luffy would cry and cry into his chest until he fell asleep. ace never mentioned it when they woke up tangled in each other's arms. 

he knew. 

whenever ace woke up to luffy's tears. at first he'd hiss at him to  shut up,  because he was bothering him and annoying the hell out of him. and he'd turn on his other side, back facing luffy, and try to sleep once more. but that was when he couldn't hear his tears.

whenever ace woke up to his cries, it was always raining, or storming outside and that always puzzled luffy. 

eventually, ace would wake again, register luffy was still up, and his eyes would glisten in sorrow. as if apologizing for his ignorance, he'd cup luffy's cheeks and check luffy's deep, black eyes. he'd gently nudge luffy into his chest, but before he'd do it, he'd press a small, featherlight kiss onto his forehead.

ace would never speak while luffy cried, he just  be  there. rubbing his back, fingers stroking luffy's hair, encouraging sleep. 

that was before the strawhat pirates became a thing. 

then it became high fives, hugs, fist bumps, and occasional kisses. 

nami kissed his cheek when they reunited at sabaody, and robin duplicated the action. 

(sanji had kicked him for it, but luffy just laughed, like always.)

zoro would press a kiss to his hair at the terrible hours of the morning when luffy was recovering from a nightmare.

sanji let luffy press a kiss to his cheek more after whole cake, and sanji returns the favor whenever luffy drapes himself over sanji's back while he cooks.

usopp and luffy exchanged cheek kisses once in a blue moon, but they always giggled like idiots after. 

franky? really, never. but his strong hugs made up for it.

chopper always got kisses, from every crewmate. he was a cute, fuzzy little thing, and  loved  kisses. chopper would do a little dance whenever luffy kissed his forehead, bastard that lu was.

brook had no skin to kiss, and no lips to give. he settled for bony ruffles to hair, or a wrangling limp around the shoulder.

but, kisses from his brothers didn't return until after marineford. when ace and luffy safely made their way back from the battlefield, luffy woke from a nightmare and reached for ace. 

of course, ace had already woken from a nightmare and had been watching luffy struggle in his sleep, so he gripped luffy's hand immediately. 

ace would pull him into his lap, lean up luffy's head, and press kisses all over his face. his cheeks, forehead, temples, nose. all the pent up affection he never let himself show came out. afterwards, they'd fall into a pile of limbs, cuddled comfortably against each other.

luffy's wet giggles were worth it, anyways.

when sabo returned in dressrosa, he gave luffy a nostalgic kiss to the forehead, and luffy had grinned wide. 

he gave him another forehead kiss in kyros's house. luffy hadn't been awake, but he'd smiled while unconscious nevertheless. 

luffy had never truly felt kisses were foreign. 

especially since they were so many who gave them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's cute !!
> 
> had this idea for a while now, but i was a lil down last night so i made this :)


	11. cruel, cold world.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> au where ace survived marineford, and luffy did not. 
> 
> heavily inspired by @/taizi 'copycat' but if the roles were switched

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wrote this at 2am last night, and i also rewatched some of impel down because i am very starved of portgas d. ace content
> 
> oh and a songfic because of course it is. 
> 
> legends - juice wrld.

...

_ my mind is foggy, i'm so confused _

_ we keep on losing our legends too _

_ this cruel, cold world _

_ what is it coming to? _

...

staring at the small child in front of him, ace is afraid. 

this child is _dead_. dead along with long lost dreams, encased in a flame of hurt. 

he can feel the sympathetic stares of his friends. marco has a gripping, steady hand on his shoulder, and vista's knowing, sad eyes burn into his skull.

after all, vista had met the kid. helped him _save_ ace.

the child just didn't make it out alive, but accomplished what he came to do.

the kid stares up at him curiously, eyes wide and innocent, head tilted like a puppy. his small, chubby hands reach up to his straw hat and tug on the edges. 

except, this kid isn't  _him_. 

ace saw not even moments ago a strange animal stare at ace intently, as if staring into his soul, and just  transformed  into a baby version of his dead little brother.

but he's acting so much like him, that ace doesn't know what to do with himself. 

he hears izo unsheath his sword, and at first he doesn't move, but the kid does.

his eyes widen considerably large, squeaking in fear stumbling back as the swordsman stalks forward. 

sure, it really isn't him, but ace can't help but give into his instincts. 

he surges forward, faster than izo or the creature, and scoops up the kid. he holds him steadily against his bare chest, the child's tiny hands nervously planted on ace's shoulders. ace blinks, surprised with his own actions. he stares at the boy in his arms, and he doesn't stare at him sadly, small, minimum amounts of melancholy hinted on his face, but almost  confused. 

marco cocks his head. "that's not luffy. he's not acting anything like the one we met two years ago." he stares at ace and the kid in concentration. 

ace shakes his head. "no, this is exactly how he acted when we were kids. weak and a crybaby."

he speaks to the kid. "why?" 

he wants to scream when the creature opens his mouth and it sounds like luffy.

"sorry about earlier." it mumbles. "i was scared." 

"no, why did you turn into..." ace readjusts his grip on the kid to a more comfortable position.

"i can turn into whoever someone misses the most. i can take a look at someone's heart and see their grief, and become whoever they miss." the creature taps its chin in thought. 

"why me?" ace makes direct eye contact with the kid, and ace hears a voice in his head chanting to hug him. 

"because your loss was stronger than the others." it shrugs. "it was easier to find someone to turn into."

ace flinches, and marco's calculating gaze softens. the child continues, "although, i didn't get a good look at you-" the kid places a small palm on ace's cheek and ace ever so slightly leans into it, "-so i could become a more recent version if you-" 

and ace is pale, swallowing nervously, because  _ nononono  _ and the whitebeards have snarled angrily at the creature at that suggestion, and-

marco would rather not see the battered, bloody body of ace's baby brother, thank you. 

ace feels tears well, and he's helpless to stop them, and his head his bowed so low his chin is touching his collarbone. it reminds him of his heartbroken position on the scaffolding in marineford. 

baby luffy's eyes glimmer in regret, and he reaches up to clumsily wipe ace's cheeks dry, apologizing as he does so. 

vista grits his teeth. "you know, kid, you could _always_ turn  back." 

the child, blinks and gapes innocently at him, and his familiar eyes dawn in realization. he squeezes his childish eyes shut, and transforms easily back into his regular form.

the other whitebeards breathe out a sigh of relief, but marco isn't fooled. 

he sighs and his gaze is sympathetic as he stares at his friend. "that might've made it worse."

ace sucks in a breath sharply as the kid disappears, and he falls to his knees, the creature bounding off his lap, and perches next to him. the creature's cheek nuzzles ace regretfully. 

"that's always the hardest part." it sympathizes. 

ace grips the grass, shoulders shaking just slightly, and he bites his lip. he opens his mouth, and marco knows that look, he knows it so well. the sorrowful eyes, swimming with tears, face looking as if he's about to sob, frame completely shattered. 

" _ no _ , ace." the words are bitter and harsh. "you are going to  _ destroy  _ yourself if you ask what i think you are going to. you'll never be able to accept it if you do that to yourself."

vista blinks. "what..?"

marco's brows furrow. "he was going to ask the shapeshifter thing to turn back into luffy."

the pirates gasp collectively. it truly wasn't that shocking. it should be expected.

marco walks towards ace, his shaking form, and reaches a hand toward him. 

"ace." he whispers softly. ace tilts his head upwards, and a few tears roll down the side of his face. "i don't think luffy would want you to do this to yourself. he died so you could live, and be happy."

"he loved you, he loved you so, _so_ much, okay? more than we could ever imagine and you need to recognize that. you are alive because luffy saved you, and he'd never forgive you if you tear yourself apart mourning him." 

he ruffles the kid's hair, and pulls him up. ace whiffs out his hair, bowing his head. he raises it proudly. 

marco grins sadly. 

he would be proud of him, the kid. 

then again, marco had heard that the kid, no matter what ace did to him, always followed him. he was always proud of him, since the beginning. even when, per to what marco has heard, ace tried to shake off luffy when they first met. 

marco, ace, and the whitebeards walk away from the island, all their thoughts of a child with a lost dream. 

...

_ the end of the world, is it coming soon? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> man, i wonder what would've happened to ace if luffy died, to the crew, and to sabo, especially. 
> 
> it'd be so horribly ironic that the second luffy splits from his crew, he gets himself killed :(
> 
> (that is why i have a theory luffy dies at the end of op after becoming pirate king)


	12. je t'aime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sabo hears himself wail, sob, and scream at the same time, and he wonders how it's possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay but what if luffy died instead of ace, and sabo found out?
> 
> this was a request :) thank u so much for it aaaaa

...

_crying is how your body speaks when your mouth can't explain the pain you feel._

...

sabo fidgeted with a few reports on the table, breathing out through his nose anxiously. 

koala leaned back against her chair next to him, glancing at belo betty next to her. belo betty shifts in her chair, lighting a new cigarette.

sabo had a bad feeling, since there was currently a huge war currently happening between the marines and the whitebeard pirates.

all over that commander- portgas d. ace. the name gave sabo a funny feeling, as if tapping him on the shoulder, and when he turns around whatever was there is gone. an itch he is unable to scratch. 

he heard chattering in the back room, and he eavesdrops slightly, hearing someone whisper, "i think something happened in the paramount war."

sabo straightens, tilting his head, and his hat falls to the side a little. 

koala huffed. "where is dragon- _san_?" 

l'indbergh scratched behind his ear. "he's..occupied. he got a report from the war- he seemed distressed. a little strange, for him." 

"something from the war upset him?" betty blinked. 

"yeah." the cat mink inclined his head. "'spose nothin' all that great happened at marineford, if the boss is affected." 

bunny joe stumbled into the room, giving them a half-hearted salute of respect, but he gasped out, "nice robin is distraught- she, her- somethings _wrong_." 

sabo felt his stomach tighten, and he didn't know why. there wasn't anything all that important at the war that mattered to the revolutionaries- mind the outcome of the war itself. 

hack stood. "why, what is it?"

"someone- a big figure died at the war." bunny joe's words became grave, solemn. "last sighting of portgas shows he was hysterical." 

sabo growled, strangely worried. "what happened." 

bunny joe jumps, eyes wide. " _strawhat's_ dead. monkey d. luffy is dead. nothing else has been reported involving deaths."

koala's jaw drops, and majority of the captains gasp. 

sabo, he-

l'indbergh sighs quietly. "i liked that kid, he seemed interesting. makes sense why nico's upset- her captain is dead." 

betty frowns. "why's the boss upset?"

bunny joe clenches his fist, and he looks shell shocked. "dragon is strawhat's _father_." 

more gasps, more _whats_? and more wide eyes and jaw dropping. 

no one sees sabo. 

they're all too busy focusing on how dragon has a kid? and it's strawhat?

sabo feels sweat bead on his forehead, his breathing becoming more labored. a hand rests over his heart, gripping his cravat, and he _bleeds_. 

the words echo in his head, bouncing around in his mind and he can't get rid of them. 

_strawhat luffy is dead._

_monkey d. luffy is dead._

_the pirate captain strawhat luffy is dead._

_dragon's son._

_strawhat, strawhat-_

_luffy._

_luffy is dead._

sabo grits his teeth, and memories play in front of his eyes like a slideshow going at the speed of light- but he sees everything. he remembers. 

he remembers a small child, black hair sticking up in all directions, a grin too big for his face. a dream screamed to the heavens, screamed loud to anyone who'd listen. he thinks of rubbery limbs, wrapping around his body with the purpose to comfort. he thinks of a freckled ten year old with a staff. a glare that'd scare any adult. 

he thinks of those small, groping hands that gripped his hands during a nightmare. hands that gripped the sides of a worn strawhat too big for the kid's head. 

he thinks of-

"-bo? _sabo_ ? hey, _sabo_!" it's koala, and when a gloved hand reaches to grip his shoulder he leans away, standing up swiftly. he plants his hands on the table, shakily breathing. he sniffles, realizing he's crying. 

he whimpers, a strong hand reaching up and grabbing his blonde curls harshly, as if to push away these torturing thoughts, memories. 

tears course down his cheeks, salt flooding his vision. a tear falls on his brown glove. he can hear the captains asking what's wrong, but he can't hear and all he can hear is a small, overexcited child calling, " _sabo_?" 

his breathing turns into borderline hyperventilating, he hears his pounding heartbeat in his ears and remembers luffy's heart is no longer beating. 

"he was supposed to be the pirate king." 

that's all sabo could manage to get out of his gritted teeth. a fist pounds against the table, startling everyone and he realizes it's him. the fist continues, and his forehead slams against the wood. 

"fuck!" he screams. "i was, i was supposed to protect-" he hiccups, and-, "oh, ace, i'm so _sorry-_ "

sabo hears himself wail, sob, and scream at the same time, and he wonders how it's possible. 

he doesn't really have time to wonder about that stupid shit, because all he can think about is how ace is alone. 

the rational part of sabo reasons luffy probably died protecting ace, and that leads to luffy probably dying in ace's protective arms. 

he imagines his death, and while he does so he hears his ear piercing wails. they sound like he's underwater. 

he doesn't care.

he thinks of luffy falling down, ace's arms encasing him and his hands hovering protectively over luffy's ruined skin. he thinks of how ace probably gave a glare that scared the shit out of you. 

he wonders if luffy died with a smile on his face. 

he thinks of luffy's crew.

he thinks of ace. 

he hopes ace is okay.

he's probably not.

sabo's vision is blurred, too blurred to make out anything, blurred with salty tears, and the terrible realization that ace thinks he's alone in this horrible world. 

sabo's own screams and wails have bursted his own eardrums, and he feels himself hit the floor with a scream that came from deep inside his heart. 

whatever's left of it, anyways.

his heart is surely poked, stabbed, full of holes that bleed of his own regret. 

his vision goes dark, and the last thing he sees is a small child with a dream. 

...

when sabo awakens, he's in a bed in the infirmary. he can hear the faint, beep, beep, beep, of his heart, the sheets softly resting against his stomach, his own breathing. everything he hears sounds multiplied. 

he doesn't wanna remember what he heard at the meeting. 

koala leans up, gasping, "you're awake! thank goodness." tears poked at her eyes. "i was so worried!" 

hack, who was leaning against the wall besides her placed a hand on her shoulder. 

sabo inclined his head, a frown tugging at his lips. "i remember."

koala blinked, before her eyes dawned in realization. "you remember-"

"i remember _everything_."

koala slumps. "are you going to leave the revolutionaries?"

sabo shook his head. he might have wanted to be a pirate, but he'll always stay with the revolutionaries after they saved him.

"luffy and ace are my brothers." he murmured. 

koala gasped, and hack stiffened. "oh, sabo, i'm so sorry." she sniffled. "i didn't know. no wonder you acted the way you did. everyone was so worried about you."

sabo stared at his hands, blonde curls falling in front of his eyes. he clenched his fists. "i need to go see ace immediately. they didn't find a body for luffy, did they?" 

he winced a little when saying luffy's named, and it croaked out, but sabo held onto a shred of hope. 

"no, there was no body. it was assumed ace grabbed him and ran off. they escaped, but the marines have declared him dead because not many people can survive an injury like luffy's." koala shook her head sadly. "luffy is..."

" _no_." sabo sucked in a breath shakily, squeezing his eyes shut. he's not going to cry. not yet, at least. if he's going to cry, it's going to be with ace while they mourn the kid. "he's...luffy- he's not dead, he can't be, i have to see his dead body before i believe it. the news doesn't mean shit to me." 

koala and hack glanced at each other. "there's no stopping you, is there?" hack cocked his head. "we don't even know where ace and luffy went."

"we'll figure that out. luffy's not dead till i see him, or if ace tells me himself."

  
  


_he's not dead_ , sabo's mind echoed. 

  
  


" _he's_ _not_." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kinda debating adding a second part where sabo meets up w ace and lu and WOAH HES ALIVE because i'm a literal sap and need my boy sabo to be happy
> 
> or i could be evil and write it but not post it and keep it in my google docs for my own consolation ;) believe me, it'd be full of hugs and fluff because hurt/comfort is what i dO


	13. thank you for making me happy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "i miss them both."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> vent.
> 
> cw. slightly graphic blood description.

…

_ when did you fall out of love? _

_ … _

luffy stared at sanji.

he ducked his head, eyes shutting closed.

“it's okay. you can leave. they all do.”

he turned and faced the sea, waves glittering under the moonlight beautifully. 

sanji felt a lump in his throat.

“i'm not going to leave. i was on  _ watch,  _ and i saw you  _ crying.  _ i'm not going anywhere.”

“well, maybe you should.” he sniffled, slumping against the flame coming from the sunny’s figurehead. “i miss ace.”

sanji flinched. 

there were no tears this time, only when he ran out of the men’s quarters there were tears. his eyes were dry. ran dry due to crying too many tears?  _ possibly.  _

sanji didn't want to think about how broken his captain was. he focused on how strong luffy was for fighting his own demons.

“leave.” he repeated.

“ _ no.”  _

his captain stared at him. “okay.” his gaze flicked to his hands that rested limp in his lap. in luffy’s eyes, he could see blood. the blood dripped down his fingertips, to his legs, and the liquid might as well have seeped into his veins. the blood was dark red, glistening against luffy’s tan skin. 

ace’s blood.

luffy lifted his head silently, he met sanji’s eyes. 

a tear rolled down his cheek. 

“i love him.” he sucked in a breath. “i miss him.” 

he turned around. he placed a hand on his scar.

“i love them both.”

...

_ i never did. _

_... _

  
  



	14. before i go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh. another vent posted at 1:24 am what a surprise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> before i go - billie eilish. 
> 
> MAJOR TW! suicide. 
> 
> this is one of my darkest pieces of this fic, tread carefully.

…

_ call my friends and tell them that i love them _

_ and i'll miss them _

_ but i'm not sorry _

_ … _

luffy had heard shanks speak of a friend who died because he killed himself.

_ you should try it,  _ his minds whispers.

apparently, doing that was bad. 

per what makino had said.

luffy wonders how it would feel to kill yourself. 

he thinks of that cliff that looks out on the east blue up on the mountain. he'd go there and think of ways to get ace to like him.

ace.

luffy likes ace. ace doesn't like luffy.

that's okay. 

as long as luffy has  _ someone.  _

he doesn't have many. 

he follows ace because he likes ace. 

ace is the only one. no one else.

everyone else called him a freak, pushed him away. the other kids thought his rubbery, stretch-y qualities of his skin was weird. they didn't like him. 

luffy didn't like them, because they were mean.

_ ace is mean, and you like him,  _ his brain murmurs.

_ ace is different. gramps said he's supposed to be my new brother. i can't hate my brother.  _ luffy says in return. 

standing on the cliff, toes dangerously peeking over the edge, luffy wonders how'd it feel to fall off. 

he wonders how ace would feel if luffy disappeared. 

he wouldn't care, would he? he's already tried to get rid of him. 

_ i want to try.  _

luffy breathes in, and tips over the side. 

he doesn't scream on the way down. 

he doesn't hear the crumple of footsteps on leave, on the grass. he doesn't hear ace approach him before he falls, his footfalls silenced by the rushing in his ears. 

he doesn't hear ace gasp and scream  _ luffy! wait- please-!  _ as he tips over the edge. 

he doesn't see ace kneel on the side of the cliff, a dangerous pressure building at the back of ace’s eyes as he stares down at the small body plummeting towards certain death. 

he doesn't hear ace bark out an anguished sob as he makes a grabbing motion with his hands towards luffy. 

_ it's okay, he didn't like you anyways.  _

…

_ call my friends and tell them that i love them _

_ and i'll miss them _

_ sorry _

...

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm on winter break for a week now, so i'll have time on my hands. asl comfort part two posts whenever tf i feel like it but it'll come eventually. i'll post out small snippets like these until then.


	15. into the storm.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> anyone who touches the kid sees hell.
> 
> yeah- that sums it up quite nicely.
> 
> into the storm - banners.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for not updating for a couple days!! i'm on break in school for the week, and currently on vacation. i wrote this at like midnight so it's prolly not up to par. 
> 
> this is just a small drabble where luffy is being bullied and ace and sabo beat them up. (their little in this chap.)
> 
> also, asl comfort coming this weekend probably, because i'll be home then and i'll have time to write :)
> 
> enjoy!

…

_ be with you when you call _

_ carry you into the dawn _

_ … _

“hey, kiddo.” ace ruffled his hair. “what's wrong?”

luffy doesn't respond, choosing to snuggled into ace, from his position slumped against his chest. 

the other huffed, chest rumbling against the smaller in a familiar way, “not gonna talk?”

the kid shook his head soundlessly. 

“want me to get sabo, lu?” he placed a hand on luffy’s nape, thumb rubbing circles in a way that ace hoped comfortingly. he relaxed when luffy visibly became less tense at the touch.

“naw,” luffy murmured. “‘s nothin.”

ace cocked an eyebrow. “doesn't sound like ‘nothing.’”

luffy sighed into his chest, his small frame curling into ace. the older let him, in a rare show of affection.

“i went spent the day with makino-san yesterday, yknow right?” 

ace nodded.

luffy pulled away from ace. “well, i ran into some of the kids that made fun of me before i left with gramps up to this mountain.” 

ace blinked.  _ made fun of…? _

he cupped luffy’s chubby, childish cheeks, framing his face in his hands. “what do you mean made fun of?”

“they think my rubber is weird.” luffy slumped. he pointed to some scratches on his arms, and a bruise forming on his calf. “they make sure i know that.”

ace grit his teeth. he couldn't believe what he was hearing. luffy obviously didn't know the gravity of the situation, but ace sure did. 

  1. he needed to tell sabo.
  2. he had some ass to kick. 



“i'll be right back.” he pushes it out through his tightly gritted teeth. 

he stomps over to sabo, who was digging through the rubble of gray terminal. 

“luffy got bullied yesterday at windmill village.” he crosses his arms tightly over his chest, jostling his pipe strapped behind his back. 

sabo drops whatever trinket he was fiddling with. “luffy got  _ what?”  _

…

beating up children was not something ace normally did, but when the children were hurting his baby brother, he let it slide. 

him and sabo had stomped there way down to windmill village, eyes homing in on some kids lingering around behind a bar. they looked about 11 or 12, and there were about four of them. 

“oi!” ace yelled. he pointed at the kids. “you guys! get your asses over here.” the kids blinked, whipping their heads around to stare at one another. 

they stomped their way over, the leader of the group planting himself in front of the two. the brat crossed his arms over his chest.

“the hell you want?” the kid puffed up his chest.

ace raised an eyebrow. “was there a small kid with a straw hat here yesterday?” he growled. 

the kid’s eyes dawned in realization. “you want to know where that brat went? hell if i know. i hope he ran off and died.”

sabo’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “chose your next words carefully.” 

a kid from behind the other spoke. “what, you guys know him?” he quipped.

“know him? he's our baby brother.” ace smirked as they blinked in shock. “you guys hurt his feelings- fuck you, for that.” he gripped his pipe tighter. 

sabo smiled, getting into a fighting position. 

the kids’ faces paled, and they didn't have any time to run before they were knocked onto the ground. 

…

“where'd you guys go?” luffy asked. “i was playing around in the forest training, so i didn't know.” 

ace shrugged, dusting himself off, panting heavily from running to windmill village and back in such a short time period. “we weren't gone long. just taking care of... _ business.”  _

luffy’s innocent eyes stared at him calculatingly. he shook it off. “okay!” he chirped happily. he spotted a butterfly, and chased after it.

sabo sighed- fondly, no matter how much he tried to stifle it. 

ace rolled his eyes with a small grin. “he's so oblivious.” 

“hear, hear.” the blonde laughed, tipping his hat in courtesy

ace looked out at the kid playing in the grass, momentarily wondering why anyone would make fun of someone like him. 

_ you made fun of him.  _ his mind whispered

_ but i'm better now.  _ he said back. 

sabo tugged ace’s sleeve towards luffy. “cmon ace. he's calling for us.” sabo gave ace a knowing smile. 

ace huffed, jogging after him. 

what did he learn?

anyone who touches the kid sees hell.

yeah- that sums it up quite nicely. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ajr released a new song :> its a banger.
> 
> also new nf song thursday new nf song thursday


	16. preserve.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> luffy gets kidnapped by bounty hunters right after marineford for some god awful reason because i said so. ace and sabo are not happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW!!!!: EXPLICIT TORTURE. KIDNAPPING. MANIPULATION. PLS BE WARNED FRIENDS
> 
> haha i lied no comfort for u enjoy angst ahahahahahahahha. (no there's def comfort in this chap ;)
> 
> i'm so sorry i was gonna put out the asl comfort today but hahahaa no my mental health is not doing well because of school shit. so. have this 2k one shot i made weeks ago. 
> 
> (not proofread. beware MANY plotholes but i'm not changing the story because luffy getting kidnapped and saved is my favorite trope.)

...

luffy drifted.

he couldn't seem to find where he should step in his mind. everything was blacked out, everything hurt, and he wanted was to be home. 

he didn't know how to get there.

the boy could not feel as a knife was deliberately slashed into his chest.

...

he writhed in his chains. the uncomfortable, itchy, annoying sea prism chains locked around his wrists and ankles. chained against a dark, wet, disgusting wall wasn't exactly how luffy planned to go out.

the room smelled of burning flesh, blood, sweat, bile. he had thrown up three times, coughed blood about five? he lost count after his hands were nailed into the wall because he wouldn't stop squirming. everything hurt. every time a knife was shoved in him, or a spiked bat hit him in the stomach, it hurt his everywhere. 

he didn't exactly know who these people were, not pirates, not marines- his grandpa would never allow this- probably bounty hunters. 

and he had just gotten his brothers back, too. 

that sucked.

he was escaping marineford with ace, and sabo. he just happened to, well, just show up because it was convenient. he did save he and ace's asses though, he had to give him that.

luffy flinched as a knife tip nudged against his cheek, a trail of blood seeping from the indents. luffy couldn't even see the shadowy, grabby hands holding the knife.

"you know," a voice murmured. luffy blinked, the blurriness from incoming unconsciousness seeping away immediately at the sound. 

"your precious brothers are dead." 

the voice cut through the room like a hot knife.

luffy froze. 

_ No _ .

apparently he had said it out loud, "oh, yes, ace, was it? akainu finished him off just after we snatched you off the battlefield. your other brother sabo was killed off with him. two birds with one stone."

luffy felt himself breathing harder, but forced himself to calm down. 

his brothers would  _ never _ die so easy. 

"both of those brats panicked when they realized you were gone. we made a deal with the marines- akainu- to keep quiet about your whereabouts. we said we'd take care of you." the voice was mocking, a mean humor coating it. 

luffy's hands shook, trembling in sorrow. he bit his lip angrily, "stop trying to get in my head." 

the voice ignored him, "you know, if you weren't so easy to pick off that battlefield then maybe they'd still be alive." 

"fuck you." he snarled. "they aren't dead."

the voice seemed to smirk. "yes, they are." he spoke as if speaking to a small child. 

"go  _ fuck _ yourself." luffy spat in the direction of the voice. luffy grinned triumphantly as he heard a cry of anger, the sound of a hand wiping against skin. the victory was not long lasting.

"you mouthy, hot-headed  _ brat _ !" 

a knife sunk into his stomach. luffy winced, the wince turning into a barely held together grimace as the knife twisted. 

a hand reached out, some white sparkle in his hands, sprinkling over luffy's scratches and stab wounds. 

luffy's eyes widened to the size of donuts, "oh, shit." salt. 

luffy tilted his head back,  _ screaming _ . 

he screams silenced as sharp nails suck into his throat. 

...

"where  _ is _ he?" sabo growled. 

koala sighed worriedly, pushing sabo back just a twidge. "calm down! we will find him- stop worrying!" 

ace and sabo were terrified for luffy. he just upped and disappeared when the two swore they just saw him. and luffy would never just leave the two of them on a battlefield. 

sabo couldn't tell between ace and himself on who dealt with the news worse. ace had almost ran off for luffy on his own, if not for sabo holding him back. sabo almost broke his own shoulder from his grip when he realized luffy had been  _ kidnapped _ . 

also, luffy's wounds were horrible, too, and exhaustion would eventually get to him. 

sabo and ace managed to hold akainu back along with the help of jinbei and marco, including some other whitebeard commanders. 

no one there seemed to have known where luffy was taken. 

koala held the den den mushi to her ear, "hack-san! did you find anything-" 

"yes! we think we might know what happened to-" 

"what happened!" sabo snatched the snail from koala's hands, and koala couldn't even bring herself to be angry due to the circumstances.

"there were sightings of bounty hunters circling marineford. one of us managed to intercept a call between fleet admiral akainu and them, and we figured out they had made a deal involving your brother." 

ace and sabo glanced at each other in concern.

sabo nodded his head silently. hack continued. "the others said that akainu were allowing the hunters to take luffy as long as they finished him off, but they had to give the body back to them." 

ace snarled angrily. sabo placed a trembling hand on his shoulder. "the hunters asked if they cared how it was done. akainu said to do whatever they wanted to him as long as he ended up  _ dead _ ."

"we know where they are."

ace clenched his fists, speaking into the snail, "can you tell us?"

"an underground base, just slightly to the east of marineford. there are some hidden stairs on the coast that lead to it. we're guessing the bounty hunters grabbed luffy and walked him over here." 

ace muttered quietly under his breath, "they probably knocked him unconscious. i doubt he'd go willingly." 

sabo placed his hand in ace's, squeezing comfortingly. 

...

when they arrived at the east coast of the remains of marineford, the stairs were spotted easily. 

sabo, koala, ace and some others raided the place. stairs just seemed to keep going further underground. about five levels deep, ace grabbed a guy and screamed in his face where luffy was. 

he told him he was on the lowest floor, and that the guy's boss was dealing with him.

sabo and ace bolted for the next flight of stairs, kicking whoever's ass was in their way. 

ace froze on about the seventh level. "you hear that?"

sabo straightened. he heard something alright- it was muffled, definitely coming from lower floors. "keep moving. he's here somewhere." 

as they approached the ninth level, the muffled voices were clear. ace stumbled back in shock, rage settling among his features. sabo gripped his staff. 

it was screaming. not normal screams. 

these were screams of outrage, hurt, panic, pain, agony, and just  _ longing _ .

the voice providing the screams that belonged in hell was familiar. 

sabo felt a cold chill run up his spine. 

he seized ace's hand, yanking him towards the stairs and sprinting as fast as he could below. 

the screams were as clear as day now- they seemed to be fused with sobbing.

they reached cells, cold, dirty, soaking cells with cramped spaces and no where to go. there were dead bodies in the cells, bugs crawling along them. 

ace's body went alight in flames, his whole being shaking in rage. 

the sound of a body slamming a wall rang in their ears. it was the boss's. ace had kicked him in the face with a touch of fire and sent him flying. 

"where is he, you  _ bastard _ ." 

the boss weakly, pathetically pointed at a cell. sabo faintly realized the screams have died. 

they stormed towards it. 

koala fell to her knees. sabo felt tears prick his eyes, his grip going loose around his staff. 

ace was a statue, staring at the body within the cell with despair. his features creased in hurt, loss, agony. 

" _ luffy _ ?" 

ace pushed the cell door open, kneeling besides the body. 

the body- luffy- was battered, bloody, almost  _ torn apart. _ stab wounds, bruises, and scratches littered his skin, not a single portion of skin uncovered. blood drenched his body, sabo heard koala mutter under her breath it seems like he lost liters. his hands were nailed to the wall, sea prism locked around his ankles and wrists, blood coating those too.

the boss grinned weakly from his vulnerable position on the side. "i filled the kid with lies. told him you guys were dead. he refused to believe it for a while, but it took so long he seemed to question himself. i decided to help him, and injected him with a poison that would give him hallucinations-" 

ace stood, punched him in the face, adding a kick to the balls for good measure. 

sabo came to his senses, pulling koala and ace with him. he cupped luffy's cheek, tilting his face towards them. 

he seemed blissfully unconscious, breathing softly, faintly, but breathing. that's all sabo and ace could've asked for. a dribble of blood was dripping from the corner of his lips, and his cheeks were dripping in recently shed tears. sabo's thumb softly swiped them away. 

koala breathed in shakily, "c'mon, we need to take him back to the ship."

sabo and ace simultaneously went for luffy to pick him up, both stopping quickly, staring at each other. 

"you're injured, ace, i'll take him." sabo told him gently. 

"it's my job to watch over him. i let this happen! i need to make up for it." ace shot back. 

"it's our job. you aren't alone with taking care of him anymore. you are injured. i will carry luffy." 

"we don't have time for this if you don't want him to die." koala said impatiently.

that snapped the two of them back to their senses immediately. 

"you take him." ace said firmly. sabo nodded sharply. sabo coated his hand in haki, ripping the sea stone off luffy's hands and feet. he gently held luffy's wrists, not making a face as he pulled the nails out. all he could manage to do to stop the bleeding on both hands was to rip off his sleeves and tie the fabric around luffy's palms. gently scooping luffy into his arms - and god was he always this small - nuzzling luffy's bleeding, wounded head into the crook of his shoulder. he made a noise of concern as luffy breathed in shakily in, his face scrunching in discomfort. 

_ probably the hallucinations _ , sabo thought, annoyed that he and ace even  _ let _ these bastards put something of the sort in luffy's veins.

ace, sabo, and koala make quick work of getting out of there. sabo rushes him to the revolutionaries’ infirmary, and luffy is almost mummified in bandages. 

ace and sabo sit on either side of him, both mentally analyzing and taking notes of his various injuries.

“ _ ace.”  _ a small, timid voice whispers.

ace turns to luffy so fast he probably got whiplash. his eyes bug out.

“luffy.” he croaks, broken. he runs a hand through recently blood-matted locks. “you-  _ oh _ , luffy.”

luffy’s eyes well up with tears, and there's a machine helping with his breathing over his face, and they can't remove it because then luffy will suffocate- so all the kid can do is cry silently. 

sabo reaches and wipes the offending tears away. “hey, kiddo.” 

luffy sobs. “ _ sabo.”  _

“yeah. it's me.” sabo whispers. “we aren't dead. never were, okay?” 

“i-  _ sabo. ace.”  _ his voice is silently muffled through the face mask, but ace shushes him, and luffy complies easily.

ace tugs luffy to lay his head on his shoulder, and luffy winces slightly in pain. maybe discomfort. it was going to hurt no matter how painless ace tried to make it. 

luffy falls asleep once laying on ace within seconds. ace does too, a hand in luffy’s hair, and one laced with sabo’s. 

sabo smiles at them fondly, secretly. he places his hat next to them quietly, and lays his head down on the hospital bed. 

he squeezes ace’s hand, and the hand on luffy’s stomach twitches. 

he falls asleep quickly, and the smile on his face remains. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh. yeah. i can't promise when the asl comfort will arrive but i will def supply with these because mental health first yknow
> 
> I AM WORKING ON IT. DW.


	17. grab my hand and don't let go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _crybaby_ , sabo mouthes.
> 
> _i love this kid_ , ace returns, and the tears make it so much more dramatic sabo almost snorts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OI. YOU. HAVE THIS 1.2K ONE SHOT. 
> 
> u guys deserve it from the kinda long wait :)
> 
> ITS SOFT :)) ALSO: NOT A SONGFIC? WHAT
> 
> sorry for any mistakes!

“his hands are so _small!”_

sabo crouches down, crystal eyes wide adoringly. the kid stares at him, mouth in an _O_ shape. he grins, so blindingly sabo needs sunglasses, and points. “sabo!”

his voice is comically high-pitched, an effect of still being seven years old, and sabo still _awww_ s. the blonde yanks the kid into his lap, and the child babbles incoherently. his hands curls around the smaller’s wrist, and sabo’s amazed as gloved hands practically encase the tiny, rubbery limbs. 

luffy giggles. “you're so big! why are you so big- my sabo is really small. he's like-” he jumps off sabo’s lap and reaches a hand in the air slightly above his head, “up here! he's not that tall, though. not as tall as you!” 

the kid’s eyes practically sparkle, and sabo thinks of a small, circular shine flow through black orbs before disappearing. his head swivels from sabo to man standing next to him. “you're both so _tall.”_

he crosses his arms, lips in a familiar pout. “why am i so short? it's not fair!” he squints his childish eyes and glares at the two above him. 

as his feud with himself continued on, sabo felt a jokingly mocking grin grow on his face. he crouched in front of the kid. “sorry, brat. you're still a baby, so you won't be very tall until you're older.” 

luffy huffs at him, and backs up. he points at him accusingly. “you're meaner than _my_ sabo. he wouldn't make fun of my height. that'd be-” his finger switches to point at ace, “him.”

ace's eyes are wide while staring at luffy. he doesn't answer the kid’s rambling, and his gaze switches to sabo. “was he always this fucking _adorable?”_ his voice is almost breathless with shock.

sabo turns his head away from ace to luffy. “yeah, he was. we were just too stupid to realize what we were missing out on.” 

luffy’s humorous muttering dies out, and it's just the two now older brothers staring at their younger- _much_ younger little sibling. luffy senses their affectionate astonishment. he uncrosses his arms, and his narrowed eyes go to normal. he stares at them with a strangely blank face, as if analyzing their changes to his actual brothers. he walks up to them- almost hesitantly. he approaches ace’s feet. 

he places a hand on ace’s ankle. he stares up at ace with sad but hopeful eyes. “am i not weak anymore?” he wonders aloud. 

ace breathes in sharply, and sabo’s shoulders slump. the silence isn't uncomfortable, or awkward- but it's tense, almost. luffy’s still waiting for an answer.

“of course, not.” ace whispers. luffy stares at him with shocked pupils. “you're- you've always been strong- in here.” he kneels in front of the kid and flicks him in the forehead. “you just needed practice.” 

that's not wrong, really. luffy was _always_ the way he was- is. he's always been headstrong, running on pure adrenaline and determination. didn't matter if his opponents were strong as fuck or seen as _the_ strongest. it was like as if luffy believed he would win- if others believed in him- he would _win._ ace and sabo have _always_ believed in luffy, even as a kid. they knew he'd get strong one day. that, one day, luffy would _rule the world._

_he’ll be the strongest,_ ace would say to his crew brothers. 

_he’ll be the last one standing,_ sabo would tell his comrades. 

_he’ll be the pirate king,_ they'd both say. say to the _world._

sure, luffy had his ups and downs with his gum gum pistol when they were children, but luffy’s practically mastered that move now. he's coming up with new moves in almost every fight, ways to make himself stronger. sabo’s amazed luffy’s managed to figure out to work with such a strange power.

luffy doesn't seem surprised at ace’s answer, but nevertheless, inevitable tears well in his eyes. he tackles ace in a hug, and ace accepts it a little too quickly. sabo thinks he's definitely been waiting to hug the kid since he'd _appeared_. 

ace’s body curls around luffy’s tiny frame like any other hug, protective and soothing. luffy himself nuzzles into ace’s broad chest, mumbling something along the lines of, _ace’s warm- why is he so warm?_

when sabo gets a good look at ace’s expression, he cracks a grin when he sees tears in his eyes. 

_crybaby,_ sabo mouthes.

_i love this kid,_ ace returns, and the tears make it so much more dramatic sabo almost snorts. 

sabo sits there silently staring at the two as they hug, and it seems as if neither are comfortable with letting go. he starts to feel jealous of ace- just a little. only a little. a tiny bit. 

he gives up, almost thirty seconds later. “ _oi_ , lemme in.” he jumps up, and makes his way to them quickly. ace sighs, wiping a tear from his cheek, and brings out an arm. sabo crouches down next to ace and snuggles under ace’s outstretched arm. effectively getting in the middle of the cuddle pile, he uses it to his advantage, and plucks luffy from ace’s grasp. luffy whines a little at the loss of ace, but hums happily as he's caged in sabo’s pleasant hold. 

ace glares at him, very darkly. “you're sick.” he grumbles unhappily. 

luffy frowns at ace being upset, so he pushes off sabo’s arms that are currently curled around him. the blonde gapes, completely betrayed, but luffy doesn't jump away from him. instead, he reaches up and grabs his hat, and places it on ace’s head.

ace gasps, before his lips form a grin. “he let me wear the hat!” he smirks at sabo. “bet he's never let _you_ wear his hat.” 

he turns to luffy and nods at him thankfully. “thank you for the honor, brother.”

luffy smiles, all teeth, only to turn around and snatch sabo’s top hat and pull it on his head. 

sabo feels tears pricking in his eyes at the small action of affection. “aww.” he whispers helplessly. 

he wipes at his eyes harshly, and tries hard to ignore ace’s knowing smile. 

the three of them fall asleep where they are after a while of conversing, with luffy between the two of them. ace and sabo had initially fought over who'd be holding luffy while they slept, and they both wanted to hold him. it was useless bickering, and eventually luffy told them to _shut the hell up or else he's gonna go sleep with his real brothers._

all that got him was two mother hens telling him to _stop cursing_ because it's not good to curse. luffy stared at them with a unimpressed stare, knowing damn well they both swear their asses off. 

they fell asleep with luffy’s legs in sabo’s lap and his head nestled on ace’s chest.

* * *

when ace awoke, he blinked tiredly at the weight on his chest down. he cocked his head at the black hair poking at his chin, before realizing that’s _his_ luffy _._ not the seven year old fucking adorable version. it's _his._

he sighs, eyes blinking to consciousness unwillingly. he forces himself to fall back asleep, but not before carding a hand through luffy’s hair.

he slumps to the side, his back leaning against sabo’s shoulder. his fingers grip a little tighter onto the blonde’s hand. 

he bites down a smile. _this_ is home. 

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanna join their cuddle pile too >:(
> 
> AGAIN SORRY FOR ANY MISTAKES :O
> 
> my head be doing better :) thanks for any concern. hw all done and weekends here, so i'm chillin


	18. cruel.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> but, sabo thinks, that's just how life is. the ones that deserve to live die, and the ones who deserve death keep on living.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haaaaa i'm bACK. schoolwork's a bitch, you guys know the drill. ENJOY SOME PAIN 
> 
> not proofread because i suck, and luffy is dead here hah pain.

…

cruel. (adj.)

willfully causing pain or suffering to others, or feeling no concern about it.

…

“sabo, you can stare at the stars all you want, but you won't find what you're looking for up there. the world is down here.”

the blonde looks over his shoulder at him.

he stares back, and his black orbs shine a little brighter. he can see fluid poking at the corner of ace’s eyes.

blue eyes glimmer with something that looks like grief, but he dips his head understandingly. 

“i regret it.”

“me too.” 

he brings up a palm, fingers flaring alight with orange and bursting red flames. the red pierces the air, and a flick of ash lands on ace’s shoulder. he blows into the fire softly, and sabo watches the reflection in dark eyes.

the water that shines in the man’s eyes are bright, and they shimmer and gleam sorrowfully.

“he died for me, you know.” 

sabo stared at the full moon glowing beautifully up above, and he wondered if the kid’s eyes would widen, and if he'd stare at the moon like it's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. he wonders if his black eyes would gleam curiously, if his lips would form an  _ O  _ shape, if he'd murmur  _ woah.  _

“i don't think he's dead.” sabo whispered.

“sabo,” he sighed. “ _ please,  _ please don't do that to yourself.”

“he's  _ not,  _ ace!” sabo clenched his fists tightly, ignoring the groan of his gloves. “he's- he's,  _ no.”  _

ace stepped towards him, “ _ oh _ , sabo,” he's words were soft, almost apologetic. “i'm so sorry.” his arms gripped sabo’s shoulders. sabo couldn't even hold his tears as his face was gently shoved into ace’s neck. 

“it's okay.” he whispered, fingers running through sabo’s blonde hair. “it'll be okay.”

sabo didn't speak. he didn't know what to say. 

it was too fast. everything that happened- it happened quickly, and sabo and ace  _ failed.  _ they failed as brothers, as  _ guardians,  _ they were supposed to  _ protect him.  _

and now he's  _ dead and sabo doesn't know how to fucking cope _ .

how do you deal with the loss of your baby brother?

luffy stared at ace and sabo like they held the secrets to the world. he looked at ace like he hung the stars, and admires sabo like he created space. he was a child, a  _ kid,  _ a small child with a sparkle in his eyes and a big heart- he wore it on his sleeve. he was  _ honest,  _ he cared about everyone, even if their problems didn't effect luffy. 

sabo chokes on a sob and ace gently presses his face further into his shoulder. he can feel ace’s hands shaking. 

they don't exchange condolences, they don't give empty promises- and they  _ both  _ gave luffy those- they don't say everything will be alright, that luffy’s better now. luffy had a crew, had a life with ace and sabo. luffy was better here. 

but, sabo thinks, that's just how life is. the ones that deserve to live die, and the ones who deserve death keep on living. 

it's cruel, sabo thinks. it's cruel. he feels like he's disintegrating, pieces of his skin falling off as time passes. everytime he's without luffy, without the knowledge that he's  _ alive,  _ sabo feels like he's suffocating.

_ it's cruel,  _ sabo thinks.  _ it's cruel.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pain. 
> 
> also: wandavision ep friday? sk8 the infinity ep saturday? (oh i'm def posting a fic for that show look out for it if u watch it) one piece episode saturday night? FEELIN GOOD.
> 
> (if one of u lovely people requested that modern au, it may take a bit, but please be patient with me :)


	19. 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> their younger brother just raises an eyebrow, and sabo wants to eat his words. “so, you don't want to leave me here alone, because you're _worried?”_
> 
> 21 - gracie abrams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> modern au pog. this is a request, for jhh88 :) hope it was to ur standards!! i wrote this in one go and it was actually really fun. 
> 
> i will go down with lacrosse player ace ight fight me. this is actually full of fluff and a failed attempt at in character humor so uhhh enjoy ????¿¿
> 
> apologies for any spelling mistakes!!

…

_sometimes i go blurry-eyed_

_small talk can you tell me that you're on fire?_

_…_

sabo huffs. “we can't leave him here, dipshit!” he crosses his arms over his chest, and whacks ace on the back of the head.

the other blinks, because he's about to enter college and he’s sleep-deprived and having an existential crisis. “he's fourteen. he’ll be fine- actually, it's luffy. who knows." 

he grits his teeth. “that's the _point,_ ace. we can't leave him here!” 

ace exhales through his nose, and leans against the kitchen island. “it's not that bad, it's just a job interview. we’ll be gone for like- three hours or something.” 

“you are impossible.” it comes out muffled, because the blonde has his face pressed against his hands and he thinks he's gonna scream. 

sabo and ace are on the borderline of college, and high school ended a few months ago, and the brat’s only heading into ninth grade. they are a good four years above him, and they're heading into a dual job interview. sabo’s pretty sure those don't exist, but they both wanted to be at the same place, so they're heading into the job at the same time. 

ace stretches against the counter like a cat, face scrunching up as he yawns. 

“did you sleep _at all_ last night?” he reaches out and squeezes ace’s shoulder comfortingly. 

ace gives a wry grin. “nope. did you?” 

sabo rolls his eyes. what a stupid question. “of course not. i-” 

“w’ya guys talkin’ ‘bout?” the devil himself pads slowly into the kitchen with a massive case of bedhead, and the tiredness etched into his face rivals his older brother’s. 

ace and sabo turn to him, and luffy scratches his black hair with a yawn. “you idiots woke me up. too damn loud- please shut up.” 

“language,” sabo mumbles idly, and luffy’s eyes close, and sabo would grin at his silent frustration, but they have other things to worry about. 

“oi, why are you wearing my hoodie?” ace tugs at the soft fabric, and luffy swats his hand away. 

“comfy.” he answers simply, and pours a glass of water for himself. he downs it swiftly, and stares at them, analyzing. 

he dips his head down, leveling them both with a inquisitive stare. “why do you guys look ten years older?” 

ace grumbles, reaching over the island to thwack him with his hand, but sabo pulls him back. 

“sorry, lu, we were talking about what to do for our interview. we’ll have to leave you here for a couple hours, but….” sabo trails off helplessly, and ace doesn't seem to have the courage- pathetic asshole that he is- to continue for sabo.

their younger brother just raises an eyebrow, and sabo wants to eat his words. “so, you don't want to leave me here alone, because you're _worried?”_

“blondie’s just overprotective.” ace snorts. sabo bristles, flushing at the nickname. ace calls him that because he thinks it gets on his nerves. he's right.“i wasn't worried at all.” 

sabo cocks his head, “why, i remember just a minute ago you were groaning about what the hell were going to do with the kid,” luffy glares at him for _kid,_ and ace has a eerily similar look at the blatant lie sabo just said. mainly because _sabo_ was the one who said he was worried. 

the two of them start to scuffle, throwing half-hearted insults at each other like _loser,_ or _idiot,_ and ace threw in _dumbass_ when he wanted to. luffy wanders off sleepily, before plopping on the couch. cuddling into ace’s fuzzy blanket that laid there, kicking his legs over the arm of the furniture, he gets comfortable. 

“god, they never shut up.” he muttered, and threw the blanket over his head. he fell asleep within seconds. 

sabo and ace stop arguing when they hear a quiet snore, and ace bemoans as he sees luffy stole his blanket. sabo’s eyes go soft seeing the unruly curls poke out from underneath the covers. 

“the brat took my blanket, sabo.” 

“i know.”

“ _he took my blanket.”_

“i _don't care.”_

ace stomps over there, and he too wilts a little at the sight, because ace is soft for luffy as well. 

(he never shows it, because ace is prideful like that. though, since they were kids, after their parents left them and they learned how to grow up themselves, luffy wormed into ace’s lonely little heart. so did sabo. 

ace commonly ruffled luffy’s hair, letting him snuggle up to him when taking naps, and even if he yelled at him for stealing clothes, he never acted on his threats. whenever luffy got made fun of at school, everyone knew of the _seemingly_ overly attractive senior lacrosse player at the high school. ace was strong as _fuck,_ and could kick a bitch’s ass if he really wanted to. imagine what kids did when ace showed himself from his car when picking luffy up. he grabbed luffy’s bicep, slotted the kid under his arm, and told them to kindly _fuck off and leave his brother alone._

sabo had teased him about it, but ace owned up to it because the kids were bullying his baby brother. sabo made sure to get his own punches in.) 

ace sighs, giving up almost immediately, and decides to slide a strong arm under the brat’s shoulders. hefting him into his arms, and god, luffy is _tiny_ in ace’s hold, he walks back to sabo. sabo cards his fingers through luffy’s hair as ace stands close in front of him. he feels ace’s hoodie’s material, and doesn't blame the kid for stealing it. it's _soft._

“i'm gonna put his ass back to bed, and we’re gonna let him stay here when we leave.” sabo nods, _finally,_ because it's a battle he's lost. ace walks away, into luffy’s bedroom, and comes back empty handed. 

he holds out a hand, and sabo grips his in return. the older gives him a tired, i'm-in-school-and-i-pull-all-nighters grin. he never did turn in his work on time in high school. he always ended up paying for it, and sabo would have to stay up and help him. ace paid him back by entering dollars in his bank account to help pay for his college funds. 

“go sleep.” sabo deadpans, and ace squeezes his hand tighter. 

“yeah, i know, i know.” ace spins on his heel, and he shakes his head like a dog to get the hair out of his eyes. it's almost at his shoulders, and sabo has the urge to cut it himself. 

“don't trip and fall on your face.” he adds happily. 

ace flips him off, and sabo breathes a little easier.   
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments/kudos ???????? maybe ???? ;D

**Author's Note:**

> hope u enjoy fren 
> 
> kudos and comments appreciated


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